


Depravity

by n3mesism



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, F/M, Het, Romance, [shrugging emoji] i had an idea but this wasn't it, another possibly "fucked up" reader, but also maybe not, but i guess that's why i try to practice it whenever i can, i'm bad at writing characters like suga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 16:39:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5134946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n3mesism/pseuds/n3mesism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even in your own story, you're the goddamn antagonist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Depravity

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Sugawara, the next target of my problematic and unhealthy reader. He's too precious for this world, take him away before I do it again.

you're seven years old when you move into the house next to sugawara koushi. 

when his family comes over to welcome yours to the neighbour, your mother has to drag you down from your room by the ear. sugawara is pretty and perfect hiding behind his mother's long skirt until he sees you stumbling down the stairs. 

in that moment, his face lights up in a smile.

in that moment, you realise you'll never be able to stare him in the eyes.

your first day in a new school is filled with sugawara koushi. he is at every turn, every corner, every time you sit at your desk because the only seat left was the one right next to him.

he is well-liked, well-loved, adored and sparkling. 

he is everything you've accepted you're not and when you ask to go the nurse's office and he volunteers to go with you, something sour simmers in your stomach

one year, your class puts on a play.

sugawara is picked to be the protagonist with his shiny smile and his kind eyes, while you are picked to be the antagonist with your sharp tongue and rough edges. sugawara comes over every night to practice lines and your mother cooes over him every single time without fail.

on the performance night, everyone cries when you triumph over him, and everyone cheers when you lay fakely dying on the floor of the stage.

your mother praises sugawara on his performance, and your father forgot to order you the flowers he promised.

sugawara gives you a pretty tulip the next day and you take it with a smile.

when you go home, you light it on fire and blow the ashes into the wind.

when your mother comes down sick and you spend more hours at the sugawara household than you do at your own home. you're around so often referring to anyone as sugawara becomes too confusing and you're forced into the habit of calling sugawara, koushi. 

he calls you by your first name and you hate how it sounds coming from his lips.

when you're in middle school, you get a cellphone.

sugawara finds out and asks you for your number, you refuse saying you have too many contacts.

later that night you get a text message from an unknown number.

_your mom gave me your number!_  
**ok.**

you don't address that there was a reason you refused to add him, you don't address that he should've known there was a reason.

_you weren't at school today, are you okay?_  
**i'm fine.**  
_well i'm going to come over and drop off the homework from today. your dad gave me a key so i'm going to let myself in okay?_  
**don't come. _message not sent, resend?_**

_you're not at home! where are you?_  
**i just went to the store.**  
_you should've told me! i would've met you, are you at the one by the school?_  
**no, it's far.**  
_oh, i'll come get you then! where are you?_  
**don't come. _message not sent, resend?_**

your mother's health gets worse as the days pass by. you think your dad throws himself into work so he doesn't have to come home and look at your face - which is a splitting image of her's. 

you stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror, _disgusting._

you shove a pin through the lobe of your ear and it bleeds more than you thought it would. sugawara lets himself into your house again and finds you bleeding in the bathroom.

he yells your name and you just turn to him with a raised eyebrow.

"what are you doing?" he asks, he sounds frantic.

you shrug, "stuff."

he patches your bleeding ear and tells you he'll take you to get your ear's pierced professionally. it's hard to miss how gently he holds your hands and brushes his fingers over your patched ear. 

you turn away from him, "i don't need you, go away."

sugawara doesn't say anything, but after a pause, you can hear his footsteps as he leaves.

you ignore the emptiness in the house and pull off the patch on your ear. you fall asleep bleeding, leaving your sheets and floor bloody.

_are you free this weekend? i got tickets to that movie you wanted to see._

_you weren't in class today, are you okay?_

_i know you told me to leave you alone, but i'm very worried about you. i'm coming over._

he comes over and barges into your room.

your hair is messy, your eyes are bloodshot, you stare up at him like a child caught with a hand in the cookie jar. 

you stare up at sugawara until he leaves. when he leaves, you dont know how to read the look on his face.

_i'm getting you help._  
**no.**  
_yes._  
**it doesn't matter.**  
_yes it does._  
**it really doesn't. stop it.**  
_you matter, you matter to me and i won't let you ruin yourself._  
**but i don't matter to me. _message not send, resend?_**

your mother doesn't get better, your father stops coming around, and your whole life turns into a cliché, romance manga.

you give up trying to fight it.

**koushi, are you busy?**  
_no, never for you._  
**i'm coming over.**  
_okay, i'll be waiting_

you show up at sugawara's front door, hair messy, eyes wet and make-up smudged.

sugawara is standing in the doorframe smiling like he hasn't seen you in weeks. (he hasn't).

"hi," you say.

"hello," he says.

"do you want to come in," he asks.

you hesitate, then you shake your head. you're sure you'd turn into ash if you stepped into the holy house of sugawara in your current state.

"what did you want to talk about," he asks.

you meet his gaze for the first time in years, and it still blinds you. how bright he is, how kind he is, how good he is and it fucking irks you.

silence fills the space between the two of you until you speak up.

"i like you," you say.

sugawara just stares at you, "oh um."

"i-i'm sorry… it… it just came out, sorry to put you into this-"

"no… it's fine," he says, you know he's smiling despite the fact you're looking everywhere but him. "i like you too."

something in your chest aches, but you ignore it. 

you need this, you fucking _need_ it.

"are you sure you don't want to come in," sugawara asks.

"oh yeah, i… i was just heading home," you reply.

"should i come over then? have you eaten?"

you can hear the concern in his voice and you tell yourself not to apologise for what you're doing, for what you've done, for what you will do.

"you can if you want, and no i haven't."

you wake up sore, aching.

you look over at sugawara and look away because his perfection is too much for your corrupted eyes and you feel sick to your goddamn stomach. you close your eyes and pray that someone somewhere will forgive you for what you've done.

you look over at sugawara again and see him smiling at you and realise that forgiveness is impossible at this point.


End file.
